Let me start by saying I was always a good kid – not that I didn’t do anything wrong but I generally had no malice toward anyone and was not normally inclined to be dishonest. I did have a tendency to run away though - not to get away from home but to go adventuring. In fact, the worst thing that I can remember doing as a kid was squirting mustard all over the white leather seat of a Cadillac convertible when I was a teenager. No reason to do it, just a spur of the moment thoughtlessness that I have regretted ever since. I didn’t have the courage at the time I did it to confess to the person and take my lumps. In fact, I wasn’t even sure where we were when I did it – I wasn’t paying any attention to where we were – so even if I had managed to work up the courage, I wouldn’t have known where to go to confess.
I had attended church off and on while I was growing up – Baptist church with my grandmother, Episcopalian when I lived with an aunt and uncle for 7 years, and occasionally Methodist when I was an adult. I think I have always believed that there was a God and that He had created the universe and everything in it but I was not as certain that He cared about me or even knew about me. God was more like a distant, remote being than a personal God. Jesus was pretty much just a good guy in my mind.
Eileen was a Christian when we got married but I wasn’t. Had someone asked me, I would have said that I was of course a Christian – I believed in God and I had certainly heard of Jesus. Because Eileen was a Christian and wanted to go to church, I was willing to go with her just to please her plus I figured it would do the kids good. I could tolerate it plus since we went to Baptist churches, there was always good food involved.
My least favorite time of church, however, was the “invitation”. I could not stand to sing 6 or 7 verses of a song while waiting for someone to “accept Christ”. In fact, I was pretty certain that there were people designated to go down front if there weren’t any real suckers in the crowd that day. I figured they were planted there to break the ice and entice folks to “walk the aisle” – or, as I preferred to think of it – to “walk the plank”. It was always an uncomfortable time for me but only because I was anxious to be done with church.
One Sunday, we were on about the 4th verse of the invitational song and I distinctly remember wondering how much longer we would be singing and whether or not I could deal with it. I was bored to tears.
Out of nowhere, with no reason that I could think of, I turned to Eileen and asked her if she would go down front with me. I’m not sure who was more surprised – she or me. Fortunately, she recovered before I did and quickly agreed to go with me.
As we moved out to the aisle, I had no idea why I was going down front – it was certainly not my idea. As we started down the aisle, a truly strange thing happened to me – I was 2 people at the same time. There was the me that was walking down the aisle and there was a me that was watching me from behind. The me that was watching from behind was trying to convince the me in front that I was making a huge mistake; that it was all foolishness and there was no such thing as a personal relationship with Christ. I would have to be as dull and as mindless as I thought all the other so-called Christians were. For no reason that I know of, I ignored the second me and continued down the aisle and as soon as I told the pastor that I wanted to accept Christ, the second me disappeared.
I have since heard hundreds of testimonies about people having a “road to Damascus” sort of conversion, or being in such pain and despair that Christ was the only way out, or any number of reasons that they just had to reach out to God and beg for mercy. I, to my knowledge, had no such reason. Like I said, I was a good kid. I was a good adult. I was kind, I was honest and I was generous. I had good kids and a good wife. I had a good job that I enjoyed. I did not know of any reason I had that would cause me to reach out to God.
So why did I ask Eileen to walk down front with me? I don’t know for sure, but I am pretty well convinced that for some reason God did not want to wait on me any longer to make up my mind about Him. Perhaps He knew that if I had to be brought down to my knees in order to realize my desperate need for Him, I might in stubbornness decide to ignore Him. I have, after all, been known to cut off my nose to spite my face – it is not one of my more desirable traits but it is part of who I am.
Like so many new Christians, I just knew that since I had accepted Christ as my savior all my troubles were over. I wish I could say that is exactly how it worked out but I can’t. It has taken some years but I now understand that Satan works hard to destroy the faith of new Christians so that their eagerness and excitement will be tamped down and they will not be good witnesses for Christ. If a new Christian is having pain and issues, how likely is it that he or she will work to bring others into the kingdom? Satan nearly got me and, in fact, he did drag me through a dry, terrible desert in my relationship with God. He nearly destroyed my marriage. He set me up for a horrible relationship in a church that I felt truly invested in. For a time, he managed to convince me that joy in Christ is not really possible.
Over the years since my acceptance of Christ, I have on occasion been uncomfortable in my relationship with God but I don’t think I have doubted His concern over me or His influence in my life. I have been rebellious and I am so grateful that He forgives me even of that rebellion. I have allowed Satan to deceive me and yet God maintained His protection of me and His love for me.
I can truly say that my life has been infinitely better with Christ. I can say with certainty that God loves me. I can attest to the power of God through prayer. I have witnessed miracles. I have felt the spirit of God directing me to pray specifically for people that I had no desire to pray for. I have laid hands on those people and prayed God’s blessing on them because He said to. I continue to be amazed at God’s goodness and His mercies. I am grateful to be able to claim that I am His even though I do not deserve to be.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
A “Certain” Place On The Road Map
Have you ever been looking at a map and had a name on there capture your imagination – that one certain place? I mean, just look at a map of Florida – near Panama City. Heading west on the shore road you come across Laguna Beach (isn’t that in California?), Hollywood Beach (please!), Inlet Beach (whatever), Seagrove Beach (a grove in the sea??) and then there’s Seaside. Seaside – not Seaside Beach, not Seaside Resort, not Seaside Preserve – just Seaside. Kind of distinguished-sounding but not pretentious; the kind of a place where it might be something different from the typical Florida town whose single purpose is to separate your money from your wallet. Maybe there would be real people in there, not a crowd of noisy, sunburned Yankee tourists with 6 bratty kids whining to buy just one more alligator head or one more shark tooth bolo tie. Or maybe that classic pink flamingo to put in the yard back in the Bronx.
And, maybe it would be a place that didn’t require one to recycle, use a goat to mow the lawn, ride a bike to work, have no more than 1.4 kids and buy only Fair Trade organic, vegetarian food from certified indigenous third-world people. A place that used old-fashioned incandescent light bulbs and not those “triple-tube bulbs” that look like recycled DNA and provide just enough light to enable you to tell whether you’re eating tofu or hummus. My psyche was not ready for a place where everyone had the body of a concentration camp veteran and believed that a person with a body mass index greater than 10 was a sloth, a glutton and quite probably a mass-murderer of innocent cows, pigs and chickens who are, after all, just other people. I’m sorry, but my idea of a good-looking woman is not someone whose ribs are more pronounced than the tail on a starving Florida gator.
Okay, so it was winter and there wouldn’t be that “beautiful Florida beach” sort of experience but, hey, that was okay. No one wants to look at this body anyway. I was hoping that there would be a quiet, reasonable place to have a massacred cow for dinner; maybe an eclectic bookstore or antique shop to browse in without seeing even one pink flamingo, and a little coffee shop to drink a cuppa joe made from coffee beans basically stolen from Juan Valdez before we headed back to Panama City. Sure, I was asking a lot of that “certain” place on the road map but if you’re going to dream then you ought to dream big.
We left Panama City in a light-hearted mood, certain that we would find a truly unique town in the midst of the tired, shabby and slightly depressing Florida countryside. Sometimes I have a dream in which someone dredges out the entire center of the state and leaves only the coast line; kind of a reverse atoll, I suppose. Turn it into a gigantic lake surrounded by a thin line of sand and stock it with largemouth bass and bluegill. Maybe leave an island or two with a fresh water spring and some oranges, grapefruit, watermelon and perhaps a boiled peanut stand.
It took almost an hour to reach Seaside and we had to endure all the “beach” towns along the way – Burger Kings, Pizza Huts, Wal-Marts, souvenir stands, and endless traffic with everyone thinking they had the same rights and privileges that I have. Maybe riding a bike to work wouldn’t be such a bad idea for all those other people – that would make my driving experience much more enjoyable. Wait, I forgot, those bike people think they should be allowed to share the road with cars and hold up traffic so everyone can see and admire their spandexed butts and insect-head helmets. Well, when I’m king, I’ll come up with something to fix the problem of crowded roads.
The sun was setting as we entered Seaside and the large sand dunes blocked virtually all of the beach and the water. We parked in the free municipal parking that encircled a beautifully manicured town square and crossed the road down to the quaint shops and bistros on the shore side of the sand dunes. After climbing a few wooden stairs that led over the dunes, we could finally see the beach. The sky over the Gulf was populated with dark scudding clouds and the wind was whipping the breaking waves into grey-green spindrift. Not exactly a promising initial impression of my fantasy town but even great places have bad weather now and again – I wasn’t going to give up just yet even though my spirits were sinking somewhat.
After taking a few pictures of each other standing in the gazebo-like structure that dominated the dunes and taking the mandatory few steps on the beach, we were ready for some hot food and warm drinks. Although there hadn’t been a lot of people on the streets and sidewalks when we first arrived, by the time we came back over the dunes, the town seemed to be deserted. All the shops we had passed to get to the beach were closed; shuttered tightly against the coming night. Still, all was not lost. Across the town square, there were a few shops that appeared to be open so we headed in that direction hoping to at least find a place to have some coffee.
I have to admit that the town and its buildings were delightful – a blending of Norman Rockwell’s America and Architectural Digest. Who needed big box Wal Marts and cookie cutter Burger Kings? My spirits rebounded slightly and I began to think that maybe Seaside was exactly what I had hoped it to be.
Somehow, the few people we saw in the shops seemed to be slightly out of focus; a little blurred around the edges. Maybe it was just the salt spray blown over the dunes that coated the windows and slightly refracted the light from the interior. As we got to the first little shop, the proprietor locked the door and turned the sign from “Open” to “Closed” and each succeeding store followed suit. I don’t know, maybe there was a town ordinance that required everyone to close up at the same time; maybe you had to live there to buy anything. It just seemed kind of rude. As we continued to walk, we heard laughter coming from a building that turned out to be the local theatre – the Seaside Repertory Theatre. To me, the laughter sounded hollow and kind of forced; sort of like the reception that Nancy Pelosi gets when she tells a joke in the House of Representatives. I had absolutely no desire to see or hear what they were laughing at; it might have been something that I wouldn’t have found funny. In fact, I have watched horror movies where there was exactly that sort of laughter just before someone got killed. Nope, no theatre for me.
By now, it was almost totally dark and the few lights in the town did little to dispel the darkness; in fact, it seemed to deepen it. Shadows were not just dark, they were pools of blackness so deep that had there been light in them, it would not have escaped. The wind whipped across the empty streets and between the buildings, blowing grit into our faces no matter which way we turned. I had not yet gotten scared, but it wasn’t out of the question that it would happen.
We decided to head back to the car and as we turned to go, I failed to see that there was a curb and a step down to the street. Or, more likely, some evil spirit or zombie got tired of my being in his town and gave me a shove. At any rate, I did a combination of the Texas two-step and the hop, skip and jump of track and field fame before I landed ignominiously on my face. Ignoring the blood and pain, I grabbed Eileen’s hand and made a beeline for the car. Once in the car, I felt a bit foolish about my reaction to what was probably just clumsiness on my part, so I suggested that we drive through the town to see some of the homes. Oh, big mistake.
Only about 1 in every 20 or so houses had lights and the light seemed shallow and lacking in substance. And the silence; how could you see tree branches waving in the wind but not hear any sound? The blackness even seemed to swallow our conversation. No, I don’t think we were whispering but I might be wrong. Just like in town, there were no people on the streets but we couldn’t see anyone in any of the houses, either. Where was everyone? Even the lighted houses started seeming ominous so I decided to turn around and head back to Panama City. Somehow, though, every road we went down seemed to bring us back to where we first went into the residential area but we were always heading back into the area rather than out of it. No, I don’t know how that was possible but there you go. Finally, the town lost interest in us and turned us loose. You know, after Seaside, I kind of like Burger Kings and Wal Marts now. Even sunburned tourists are okay.
And, maybe it would be a place that didn’t require one to recycle, use a goat to mow the lawn, ride a bike to work, have no more than 1.4 kids and buy only Fair Trade organic, vegetarian food from certified indigenous third-world people. A place that used old-fashioned incandescent light bulbs and not those “triple-tube bulbs” that look like recycled DNA and provide just enough light to enable you to tell whether you’re eating tofu or hummus. My psyche was not ready for a place where everyone had the body of a concentration camp veteran and believed that a person with a body mass index greater than 10 was a sloth, a glutton and quite probably a mass-murderer of innocent cows, pigs and chickens who are, after all, just other people. I’m sorry, but my idea of a good-looking woman is not someone whose ribs are more pronounced than the tail on a starving Florida gator.
Okay, so it was winter and there wouldn’t be that “beautiful Florida beach” sort of experience but, hey, that was okay. No one wants to look at this body anyway. I was hoping that there would be a quiet, reasonable place to have a massacred cow for dinner; maybe an eclectic bookstore or antique shop to browse in without seeing even one pink flamingo, and a little coffee shop to drink a cuppa joe made from coffee beans basically stolen from Juan Valdez before we headed back to Panama City. Sure, I was asking a lot of that “certain” place on the road map but if you’re going to dream then you ought to dream big.
We left Panama City in a light-hearted mood, certain that we would find a truly unique town in the midst of the tired, shabby and slightly depressing Florida countryside. Sometimes I have a dream in which someone dredges out the entire center of the state and leaves only the coast line; kind of a reverse atoll, I suppose. Turn it into a gigantic lake surrounded by a thin line of sand and stock it with largemouth bass and bluegill. Maybe leave an island or two with a fresh water spring and some oranges, grapefruit, watermelon and perhaps a boiled peanut stand.
It took almost an hour to reach Seaside and we had to endure all the “beach” towns along the way – Burger Kings, Pizza Huts, Wal-Marts, souvenir stands, and endless traffic with everyone thinking they had the same rights and privileges that I have. Maybe riding a bike to work wouldn’t be such a bad idea for all those other people – that would make my driving experience much more enjoyable. Wait, I forgot, those bike people think they should be allowed to share the road with cars and hold up traffic so everyone can see and admire their spandexed butts and insect-head helmets. Well, when I’m king, I’ll come up with something to fix the problem of crowded roads.
The sun was setting as we entered Seaside and the large sand dunes blocked virtually all of the beach and the water. We parked in the free municipal parking that encircled a beautifully manicured town square and crossed the road down to the quaint shops and bistros on the shore side of the sand dunes. After climbing a few wooden stairs that led over the dunes, we could finally see the beach. The sky over the Gulf was populated with dark scudding clouds and the wind was whipping the breaking waves into grey-green spindrift. Not exactly a promising initial impression of my fantasy town but even great places have bad weather now and again – I wasn’t going to give up just yet even though my spirits were sinking somewhat.
After taking a few pictures of each other standing in the gazebo-like structure that dominated the dunes and taking the mandatory few steps on the beach, we were ready for some hot food and warm drinks. Although there hadn’t been a lot of people on the streets and sidewalks when we first arrived, by the time we came back over the dunes, the town seemed to be deserted. All the shops we had passed to get to the beach were closed; shuttered tightly against the coming night. Still, all was not lost. Across the town square, there were a few shops that appeared to be open so we headed in that direction hoping to at least find a place to have some coffee.
I have to admit that the town and its buildings were delightful – a blending of Norman Rockwell’s America and Architectural Digest. Who needed big box Wal Marts and cookie cutter Burger Kings? My spirits rebounded slightly and I began to think that maybe Seaside was exactly what I had hoped it to be.
Somehow, the few people we saw in the shops seemed to be slightly out of focus; a little blurred around the edges. Maybe it was just the salt spray blown over the dunes that coated the windows and slightly refracted the light from the interior. As we got to the first little shop, the proprietor locked the door and turned the sign from “Open” to “Closed” and each succeeding store followed suit. I don’t know, maybe there was a town ordinance that required everyone to close up at the same time; maybe you had to live there to buy anything. It just seemed kind of rude. As we continued to walk, we heard laughter coming from a building that turned out to be the local theatre – the Seaside Repertory Theatre. To me, the laughter sounded hollow and kind of forced; sort of like the reception that Nancy Pelosi gets when she tells a joke in the House of Representatives. I had absolutely no desire to see or hear what they were laughing at; it might have been something that I wouldn’t have found funny. In fact, I have watched horror movies where there was exactly that sort of laughter just before someone got killed. Nope, no theatre for me.
By now, it was almost totally dark and the few lights in the town did little to dispel the darkness; in fact, it seemed to deepen it. Shadows were not just dark, they were pools of blackness so deep that had there been light in them, it would not have escaped. The wind whipped across the empty streets and between the buildings, blowing grit into our faces no matter which way we turned. I had not yet gotten scared, but it wasn’t out of the question that it would happen.
We decided to head back to the car and as we turned to go, I failed to see that there was a curb and a step down to the street. Or, more likely, some evil spirit or zombie got tired of my being in his town and gave me a shove. At any rate, I did a combination of the Texas two-step and the hop, skip and jump of track and field fame before I landed ignominiously on my face. Ignoring the blood and pain, I grabbed Eileen’s hand and made a beeline for the car. Once in the car, I felt a bit foolish about my reaction to what was probably just clumsiness on my part, so I suggested that we drive through the town to see some of the homes. Oh, big mistake.
Only about 1 in every 20 or so houses had lights and the light seemed shallow and lacking in substance. And the silence; how could you see tree branches waving in the wind but not hear any sound? The blackness even seemed to swallow our conversation. No, I don’t think we were whispering but I might be wrong. Just like in town, there were no people on the streets but we couldn’t see anyone in any of the houses, either. Where was everyone? Even the lighted houses started seeming ominous so I decided to turn around and head back to Panama City. Somehow, though, every road we went down seemed to bring us back to where we first went into the residential area but we were always heading back into the area rather than out of it. No, I don’t know how that was possible but there you go. Finally, the town lost interest in us and turned us loose. You know, after Seaside, I kind of like Burger Kings and Wal Marts now. Even sunburned tourists are okay.
Once, When I Was Young
Once, when I was young, I thought that I would be an important and significant person who would be remembered by the world for ages to come. My name would be in books and people would know who I was.
By the time I reached my twenties, there was nothing that made that seem to be an insurmountable goal although I had not yet achieved anything noteworthy and a doubt or two occasionally sneaked into my thoughts.
At the age of 39, I realized that I had not done anything that I considered to be all that important or significant and it was becoming apparent that achieving this status was going to be much more difficult than I had imagined. And, to further confuse things, I came to the conclusion that I would not live to be 40 years old. It wasn’t a morbid thought; it was just something that I believed would happen. Well, like so many other times in my life, I was wrong.
I am now 63 and my concept of what is important and significant has changed fundamentally from when I was young. My original (well, actually my copycat) thinking that I would be significant has been transformed to the point that I now know that importance and significance are essentially internal issues. How important and significant has my life been to me rather than to the world?
Here is WHAT is important and significant to me: my loving wife, my three wonderful children, my seven terrific grandchildren. Some of my importance and significance is measured in their happiness and their contributions to this world. However, what truly MAKES me an important and significant person is that Jesus Christ loves me and accepts me as His own.
And, my name is in one and only one book – the Lamb’s Book of Life. I need no more significance and importance than that and I don’t even deserve that.
By the time I reached my twenties, there was nothing that made that seem to be an insurmountable goal although I had not yet achieved anything noteworthy and a doubt or two occasionally sneaked into my thoughts.
At the age of 39, I realized that I had not done anything that I considered to be all that important or significant and it was becoming apparent that achieving this status was going to be much more difficult than I had imagined. And, to further confuse things, I came to the conclusion that I would not live to be 40 years old. It wasn’t a morbid thought; it was just something that I believed would happen. Well, like so many other times in my life, I was wrong.
I am now 63 and my concept of what is important and significant has changed fundamentally from when I was young. My original (well, actually my copycat) thinking that I would be significant has been transformed to the point that I now know that importance and significance are essentially internal issues. How important and significant has my life been to me rather than to the world?
Here is WHAT is important and significant to me: my loving wife, my three wonderful children, my seven terrific grandchildren. Some of my importance and significance is measured in their happiness and their contributions to this world. However, what truly MAKES me an important and significant person is that Jesus Christ loves me and accepts me as His own.
And, my name is in one and only one book – the Lamb’s Book of Life. I need no more significance and importance than that and I don’t even deserve that.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Shadows
Shadows
Shadows. Illusions. Shape-shifters. Perhaps cosmic dust that had been spreading since creation. None of us knew what the truth was. However, it was definitely true that the mood of depression and defeat that encapsulated all of us was palpable. Sure, we were all hand-chosen for this mission and had suffered through extensive psychological testing prior to that selection. A more stable group of people could not have been found and, yet, all of us were unnerved by the shadows. Silva had been transformed from a man with huge reservoirs of strength and an unshakeable faith in his own courage and capabilities to a near-catatonic lump of quivering flesh. We debated the merits of leaving him behind as we struggled on. No one wanted to leave him but we had no way to carry him without endangering ourselves. He cried silently as we stuffed him in a cleft in the overhanging rock that almost completely hid him. What we were hiding him from was unknown to us. Those of us who believed in a merciful God said a quiet prayer for him, knowing full well that he would soon be dead.
Now there were only 6 of us left out of the original 35. None of us could even guess what had killed the people we were leaving behind – they had just fallen and died. Each was unmarked, with no wound or evidence of what had killed them. Yet, each face was a grotesque death-mask and terror was plainly etched into their features. We tried to carry the first couple of casualties with us back to the ship but it was beyond our capability. In the perpetual shadows surrounding us, each of us could only look out for ourselves and our own ability to stay upright. Even had there been good lighting, the footing was treacherous. With the shifting shadows, being responsible for dead weight was just not possible.
I took the point only because I was the leader; I wanted to remain in that cleft with Silva and close my eyes. Shut out those illusions, those shapes. Fear is powerful and when all you can see are shadows and those shadows continually evolve into something that reaches deep into our psyche, the fear mutates into something enormously destructive. I had faced dangers and the fear that comes with danger multiple times in my career, but in every case I could see what it was that I was dealing with. Not here. Not even the powerful lamps we carried could remove the shadows – it was like the light was swallowed up; like it couldn’t exist among the shadows; like it didn’t belong. Only 3 more kilometers to our ship and we could leave this place forever.
“Lieutenant, Stewart is missing!” Evans shouted. “He was right behind me and now he’s gone!” Panic was evident in Evans’ voice and that was just as dangerous as the shadows.
“Shut up, Evans! Just stop and get a grip; there’s no reason to lose control!”
What a joke. We had lost control within 24 hours of arriving in this God-forsaken place.
“Everyone just turn around. We’ll backtrack a bit and see if we can find him.”
There was muttering at that but they did turn around and walked slowly back the way we had come. It was a testament to their courage and the training they had received. We were scared and nearly broken, but we were still men. I was scared and close to panic myself; I admit it. Stewart had been riding trail and I was now riding trail. I kept turning and looking behind me, expecting to see whatever it was that was killing us; expecting to die next. Before that could happen, though, the column stopped.
“Here he is, Lieutenant; he’s dead,” Evans muttered. “He looks just like the rest of them did.”
Evans was right – Stewart had the same look of horror on his face that all the other men had when we found them. Saying a silent prayer, I ordered the march to resume, leaving Stewart in the dust and shadows.
We were less than a kilometer from the ship when it occurred to me that I hadn’t heard anything from the men following me for some time. I stopped and forced myself to turn around. Emptiness. Emptiness and shadows. Emptiness and fear. Who knew when the last man died or fell over? My heart hammered at my chest and I knew that the shadows had won.
With grim determination, I turned back toward the ship and started to run. In one of those inexplicable twists of life, the shadows momentarily cleared and I could see the ship standing tall and proud and ready to return me to safety and sanity. I pushed harder in an effort to reach the ship before the shadows returned but I could tell it would be in vain. I could feel the breath of some unknown thing close at my back. I pushed myself harder in an effort to escape. The last thing I saw was the shadows closing back in over the ship and I knew it was too late; too far; too difficult. My screams went unheard by anything human.
Shadows. Illusions. Shape-shifters. Perhaps cosmic dust that had been spreading since creation. None of us knew what the truth was. However, it was definitely true that the mood of depression and defeat that encapsulated all of us was palpable. Sure, we were all hand-chosen for this mission and had suffered through extensive psychological testing prior to that selection. A more stable group of people could not have been found and, yet, all of us were unnerved by the shadows. Silva had been transformed from a man with huge reservoirs of strength and an unshakeable faith in his own courage and capabilities to a near-catatonic lump of quivering flesh. We debated the merits of leaving him behind as we struggled on. No one wanted to leave him but we had no way to carry him without endangering ourselves. He cried silently as we stuffed him in a cleft in the overhanging rock that almost completely hid him. What we were hiding him from was unknown to us. Those of us who believed in a merciful God said a quiet prayer for him, knowing full well that he would soon be dead.
Now there were only 6 of us left out of the original 35. None of us could even guess what had killed the people we were leaving behind – they had just fallen and died. Each was unmarked, with no wound or evidence of what had killed them. Yet, each face was a grotesque death-mask and terror was plainly etched into their features. We tried to carry the first couple of casualties with us back to the ship but it was beyond our capability. In the perpetual shadows surrounding us, each of us could only look out for ourselves and our own ability to stay upright. Even had there been good lighting, the footing was treacherous. With the shifting shadows, being responsible for dead weight was just not possible.
I took the point only because I was the leader; I wanted to remain in that cleft with Silva and close my eyes. Shut out those illusions, those shapes. Fear is powerful and when all you can see are shadows and those shadows continually evolve into something that reaches deep into our psyche, the fear mutates into something enormously destructive. I had faced dangers and the fear that comes with danger multiple times in my career, but in every case I could see what it was that I was dealing with. Not here. Not even the powerful lamps we carried could remove the shadows – it was like the light was swallowed up; like it couldn’t exist among the shadows; like it didn’t belong. Only 3 more kilometers to our ship and we could leave this place forever.
“Lieutenant, Stewart is missing!” Evans shouted. “He was right behind me and now he’s gone!” Panic was evident in Evans’ voice and that was just as dangerous as the shadows.
“Shut up, Evans! Just stop and get a grip; there’s no reason to lose control!”
What a joke. We had lost control within 24 hours of arriving in this God-forsaken place.
“Everyone just turn around. We’ll backtrack a bit and see if we can find him.”
There was muttering at that but they did turn around and walked slowly back the way we had come. It was a testament to their courage and the training they had received. We were scared and nearly broken, but we were still men. I was scared and close to panic myself; I admit it. Stewart had been riding trail and I was now riding trail. I kept turning and looking behind me, expecting to see whatever it was that was killing us; expecting to die next. Before that could happen, though, the column stopped.
“Here he is, Lieutenant; he’s dead,” Evans muttered. “He looks just like the rest of them did.”
Evans was right – Stewart had the same look of horror on his face that all the other men had when we found them. Saying a silent prayer, I ordered the march to resume, leaving Stewart in the dust and shadows.
We were less than a kilometer from the ship when it occurred to me that I hadn’t heard anything from the men following me for some time. I stopped and forced myself to turn around. Emptiness. Emptiness and shadows. Emptiness and fear. Who knew when the last man died or fell over? My heart hammered at my chest and I knew that the shadows had won.
With grim determination, I turned back toward the ship and started to run. In one of those inexplicable twists of life, the shadows momentarily cleared and I could see the ship standing tall and proud and ready to return me to safety and sanity. I pushed harder in an effort to reach the ship before the shadows returned but I could tell it would be in vain. I could feel the breath of some unknown thing close at my back. I pushed myself harder in an effort to escape. The last thing I saw was the shadows closing back in over the ship and I knew it was too late; too far; too difficult. My screams went unheard by anything human.
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